My heart’s a little heavy today. Someone I love very much passed away last night. My husband’s aunt was one of the sweetest, loving, kind people I’ve ever got to meet. She welcomed me into the family, made beautiful beaded socks and blankets for my three babies and loved me as if I was her own. I’ve had a struggle with grief the past week, since she went into the hospital, knowing this was coming, which is why I didn’t write last week.
Grief is strange. How I can be at peace with her passing and still feel so much sadness about it. It’s like my head and my heart aren’t communicating. It brings back memories of my grandparents dying, friends that have passed in the last couple of years. Times when I was able to say good bye, I am so thankful this time I was, and times when because of my inability to drive I could not.
I know grief takes its own time and shows up on its own. I think grief around the holidays is especially hard. I think its harder the year after, when you remember why someone isn’t unwrapping presents with you. Why your not visiting a certain house at Christmas because the person who brought you their is gone, the house is sold and you have to make a new tradition. I’m a cryer and I find myself tearing up multiple times a day for no reason, hoping my kids aren’t seeing it. Being alone is hard, the house is too quiet and your mind goes down rabbit holes.
I find myself grieving more than just who I’ve lost today. So I guess if you know me or someone going through what I am be gentle. God is gentle. He gave me the news at the right time and a snowy day to stay inside with it. He knows I love snow. He gave me a 2 hour delay and 40 minutes of watching my son take nose dives into the white soft snow in our yard. He gave me joy despite the sadness I feel. And I know her story, I know she’s in heaven so most importantly the God of the universe has given me hope today. He gave me people to care for and jobs to do because he knows I like to be busy. He’s a good God who understands that hearts can be heavy. His was heavy once too. If your grieving today have hope, God is still with you and he puts every tear in a bottle.