So I’m going to be very transparent today. I’m feeling discouraged and a little like I’m on my last hope. Last week I had an appointment scheduled with my Orthopedic back doctor. I went in hoping he would send me for an EMG on my foot, thinking that was my next step, but instead he told me there was not much else he could do for me unless back pain returns and was referring me to my neurologist. Thankfully I see my neurologist later today, God has perfect timing, but I’m hoping he can do something other than tell me that I need to just give my foot time to heal.
The Orthopedic back doctor believes I have something called sick nerve syndrome. Basically the nerve has been compressed for so long that it needs to wake back up again. That waking up process is painful. My nerve pain has increased significantly since the last set of epidurals I have had. Driving is hard. In the past week I’ve also begun experience heat sensations in my leg where I did not even have numbness or tingling in a few weeks ago.
So I’ve begun to feel like my appointment today is my last shot, although I’m still holding out on God to miraculously heal me. But If he plans on healing me the medicinal way I am praying my neurologist will jump on board and begin something.
We also had a crazy car thing happen. Since all of this has begun the more my foot hurts the more I have a fear of driving. I’ve stopped driving the interstate all together. I just don’t trust my foot’s reaction time or its ability to hold the gas and the break down quickly. Longer drives, 30, 45 minutes cause me to have pain and fatigue in my foot so they also cause me anxiety. Our van began leaking oil last week and I had to take it in to the dealership. What I thought would be an easy fix (we initially thought it was leaking antifreeze.) Has turned into a possible week long without the vehicle. The dealership did give us a loner SUV which I am so thankful for. I was pretty terrified to drive it but it is actually really easy for me to drive, even a little easier than the van so God is good. We have an extended warranty on our van so I am praying that it covers whatever is wrong with the van.
I like to write poetry and I thought I’d share one that God put on my heart this week as I was going through all the emotions I felt with the doctor appointment. I hope you enjoy it. I’d like to make it a little longer at some point. But below is what I have so far. I know God is good and will provide in His timing. It’s natural to feel that His timing is so slow but He is faithful and available to us in the waiting.
Do you like my shoes?
So, Do you like my shoes?
There not exactly classy, but they feel timeless…
Don’t match the outfit huh?
I look like an old woman?
Am I missing some flair?
Well, I didn’t pick them. No,
My taste is a little, higher and blacker
Maybe with an open toe…
They picked me. For 26.9 months. 619 days.
They’ve picked me every day.
In fact I can’t walk around my house barefoot, without them.
I said Lord, I don’t like them. Not every day. I want variety. Bare floor on my feet. Feel the grass, the sand at the beach. Not every day.
I want to wear black thigh high boots in autumn as I hike through the pumpkin patch. Or even hiking boots as I play with my kids on the trails.
I want to wear flip flops, high heels, cloggers, muckers, or nothing at all.
I don’t want to be trapped any longer.
See when I walk its like when your foots asleep and doesn’t know its time to wake up.
Pins and needles and pain. That tell me where I can go and and when I have to stop.
They have limits and their bossy
They tell me
Where to go
What to do
What I want to be
What I have to be
What I can’t be
The desires of the heart are still there even if the body can’t deliver
And you promised you put those desires there…
So how am I supposed to fulfill my purpose, no your purpose in these shoes?
He heard me, my whining and wailing. All 619 days of it.
Lord please, just heal me.
Cinderella, I am healing you, He says.
I gave you these shoes for a season and for a reason. You need to learn to rely on me.
619 days, Have I learned yet Lord? Have I learned enough?
Because I’m tired, of limping and leaning.
I want to learn how to run again.
Just a little longer, he said so very gently
And I will replace your pink tennis shoes with slippers of glass.
I’d be happy with bare feet Lord. On that day everyone will know. Because I will be dancing before my King in Joy.