White Knuckling It

foggy road
Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky on Pexels.com

There comes a time in all our lives where we feel filled with fear. Lots of times in my life It’s made me turn around, say I can’t or give up. But sometimes you come to a point in your life where you have to white knuckle it through. When I got up this morning I didn’t think I was going to write about this. But then I remembered this blog is about overcoming fear and sometimes you can only do that with teeth clenched and knuckles white.

My daughter Lucy just finished her fourth play, Frozen with CGFAA. These plays take place at a high school on the east side of Indianapolis called T. C. Howe. Its about 35 minute drive from my house. Tec week, the week of the play the cast practices at the high-school every night. I have nerve damage in my right foot from my ruptured disc two years ago. Driving is hard for me. Last year she was in a play this same time and I realized during that tec week I could not safely drive the 35 minutes on the expressway to the school. I white knuckled it home two days in a row with severe pain in my foot before finding friends who were willing to drive me and my daughter back and forth. The next play, I didn’t even try to drive tec week. I got rides and we got through it. I had surgery on my right foot about 9 weeks ago. Since surgery the pain I had had along the bottom of my foot is mostly gone. Driving has been tremendously easier.

I found a way to get to the school avoiding the highway and this past week, tec week, I drove to the school every night. I did fine, until Friday night. I had overdone walking and not rested enough before we left. About 10 minutes into the drive I had severe nerve pain in my toes that began to travel down the bottom of my foot. Fear flooded me. I remembered driving the interstate with similar pain and loosing the sensation of the pedal under my foot. So I started to pray. I prayed God would give me strength or take the pain away. Then I turned up K-Love on my radio and slowed down a little, and started to white-knuckle the steering wheel.

The pain lifted a little, and never traveled down to where I couldn’t feel the pedal. God put some of my favorite songs on the radio, Bulletproof by Citizen Way was the first one I remember playing. Me and my daughter were singing along and by the time that song was over I was in pain but it was bearable and we got home safely.

Now God doesn’t do that every time. Sometimes it doesn’t get easier but I have learned living with this pain daily that I can handle a lot more than I think I can and God can handle more than that. I rejoiced in the fact that all the drives too and from the school I was able to do.  That one was just hard.

We were talking at my Mops group about how when our fists are clenched we can’t receive anything. When my pain started my fists were clenched. Fear had me but when I invited the Holy Spirit into my situation by praying I was able to stop white knuckling it and let God lead me safely home. I think about how many times I’ve faced something hard with my knuckles white pushing though it while hanging on to fear and how horrible those situations have been. I want to receive joy even when things are hard, painful or hopeless.  I want to loosen my grasp in those situations so that the Holy Spirit can lead me safely through.


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