..And Then the Fear Comes…

This blog is about journaling about fear and anxiety and battling it with God’s word and God’s gifts of creativity. I started this blog because of the journey I have been on since May of 2017 when I ruptured my S5 disk in my back. I am still on that journey of recovery and tomorrow I stop at another destination.

I am scheduled to receive a number of epidural injections in my lumbar area and left scapula area, or mid back and left shoulder. The lumbar injections will hopefully if successful calm down the swelling in that area and release my sciatic nerve that causes constant numbness and pain to my right foot. The left shoulder is inflamed from clenching the steering wheel when I drive, because my right foot is in so much pain from driving and over compensating.

I underwent a similar procedure about 6 weeks ago in August where they put the epidurals in my S5 joint at that point and the results were not what was hoped for. The numbness in my foot did decrease but it also moved into my arch making it even harder for me to drive. The back pain did also decrease. Needless to say the lack of success from the first set of epidurals along with the week long headaches I had which is a common side effect of the procedure leave me very anxious about tomorrow.

I know its okay to be fearful and anxious about tomorrow. These are normal reactions to a hard thing. I’d like to discredit tomorrow and say its not a hard thing but it is. Its all been hard.  I know there are people, maybe even reading this who have it harder, who live their lives in a wheel chair, whose handicap sign doesn’t have an expatriation on it like mine.  I feel like this experience has given me more compassion and humility towards them. To think about being free from this pain, being healed of it seems wonderful and doubtful all at the same time. I fear the doubt I feel. God calls us to believe without doubt but when the best outcome hasn’t happened for so long, doubt is very real.

So how do we let go of doubt? How do we like Elijah’s servant go to the edge of the cliff and look for a rain cloud 7 times? I think around time 3 and 4 doubt had to enter his mind, how did Elijah steal his thoughts from it. (See 1 Kings Chapter 18) The truth is God has healed me many, many times through medicine and miraculously. I believe he has the ability, I’ve asked for the healing but going thru the test he asks of me is very hard. I heard Joyce Meyers say that you have to go through the test and have the moans to have a testimony. That if you stop at the moans you won’t get at testimony. If I have to go through this, I want a testimony at the end of it. I want to testify to God’s Glory and love so that others know how much He loves them too. Thank you for letting the blog be part of that testimony, I hope you’ll pray with me and for me tomorrow, If you are also facing something hard and want prayer please let  me know in the comments below.

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